excerpt from Relationship Saboteurs

For some people, romantic fusion activates a totally different set of feelings. Those who fear it feel the same hunger for intimate connection that all people do, but the closer they get to it, the more they want to run away. Instead of the ecstasy that bonding offers, they feel terror, mistrust, anger, and debilitating fear.

Though there are many reasons why people fear intimacy, most often it is because they have experienced pain in their past intimate connections. Though betrayal can happen at any time of life, the most significant damage is done in childhood, when helplessness creates raw vulnerability.

Children who are abused, neglected, or emotionally erased have only known intimacy paired with pain or loss. They often grow into adults who cannot trust or sustain intimacy without expecting those negative feelings to resurface. These negative feelings may not show up in the relationship’s initial stages, when there’s enough emotional distance and a sense of control. But when their partner gets too close, they begin to feel suffocated, anticipating being captured and traumatized again. Driven by those fears, they push their partner away. Now separate and lonely, they may try to win back their partner and recapture the very intimacy from which they’ve fled.

People who are afraid of intimacy may eventually become commitment phobic, avoiding intimacy and long-term commitment. After multiple failures, they may talk about intimate relationships in these ways:

excerpt from Messages

There are eight major hidden agendas. As you read about them in the descriptions that follow, notice which ones may apply to you.

“I’m Good”

You are the hero of all your stories. Each anecdote highlights the attributes you value most. If you want people to know about your wealth or power, your stories tell them. If you want the word out about your strength or generosity, your stories do that for you. A frequently encoun¬tered “I’m good” agenda is the caring and sensitive person. This role is played as if you were on the stage—you create an undeniably fine character, but not your authentic self. You have to prove your caring constantly by a gesture, a recollection, a sensitive remark.

Here are some typical “I’m good” messages:

• “I’m honest.” “I’m successful.”
• “I’m hardworking.” “I’m powerful.”
• “I’m courageous.” “I’m strong.”
• I’m loyal.” “I’m wealthy.”
• “I’m generous.” “I’m self-sacrificing.”
• “I’m ambitious.” “I’m adventurous.”

Everyone is a little phony, but the “I’m good” agenda is more than that. It’s a life’s work. It’s a way of distorting yourself so that only very selected parts get seen. It means you don’t trust anyone with the parts of yourself that are less than wonderful.

There are two big disadvantages to the “I’m good” agenda. It’s hard to get close to people because they only know you through your “I’m good” stories. And people get bored. They get tired of seeing the same mask, hearing the same theme over and over. They listen for a while, then go away.

by guest blogger Lisa Frankfort, LMFT, co-author of How to Stop Backing Down and Start Talking Back

“You know what I mean?” How often is this said in ordinary conversation? Sometimes to check in with the listener before continuing on, but sometimes it’s framed as a statement that indicates assumed understanding.

Do we, as therapists understand what our clients mean by certain words, terms or cultural jargon? Do we ask for clarification or admit a lack of understanding? Often, we don’t. Why is this? We want to be seen as empathic, as wise, as “getting” our clients’ world. We want to foster a feeling of closeness and connection. Even if they have been misunderstood by the world, we can offer something else. “You know what I mean?” “Yeah.”

excerpt from Messages

Not every relationship or situation requires whole messages. Effective communication with your garage mechanic probably won’t involve a lot of deep feeling or discussion of your emotional needs. Even with intimates, the majority of messages are just informational. But partial messages, with something important left out or obscured, are always dangerous. They become relational booby traps when used to express the complex issues that are an inevitable part of closeness.

You can test whether you are giving whole or partial messages by asking yourself the following questions:

excerpt from Cool, Calm, and Confident: A Workbook to Help Kids Learn Assertiveness Skills.

For You To Know

Solving problems with other people takes thought and energy. Sometimes it is hard to put aside our angry feelings and try to work things out. Learning and remembering some problem-solving guidelines can make it easier to act and resolve your problems assertively.

C— Calm down. “You have to be calm before you try to solve a problem or you’ll be too angry to think clearly,” she said.

A— Allow a good amount of time. “You have to allow enough time to really sit and listen to each other and work on the problem.”

T— Think ahead. “If you think ahead about what you want to say, what is important to you, and how you might solve the problem, you will stick to the subject and solve things more quickly.”

T—Talk nicely. “No name calling or saying mean things to the other person.”

S— Stay focused on one problem. “Don’t talk about other problems or things that happened days or weeks ago. Just stick to the one problem you have today.”

Excerpt from Choosing to Live

So, how shall we view suicide? Here’s what we recommend:

1. Get rid of the stigma
2. Adopt a problem-solving point of view.
3. Keep an open mind.

Excerpt from Choosing to Live

You may ask, "Well, shouldn’t suicide and suicidal behavior be stigmatized? Isn’t it sinful, after all? Besides, we surely want to do everything we can to discourage self-destructive behavior."

We want to do all we can to prevent suicide and suicidal behaviors, but it is unlikely that laying guilt trips on depressed people will be helpful. Aren’t depressed people already some of the guiltiest-feeling people around? If guilt were an effective strategy, we would expect depressed people rarely, if ever, to commit suicide. Most depressed people already feel bad about themselves. A threat of moral condemnation is unlikely to have any positive impact on someone who already believes he or she is bad.