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excerpt from 10 Simple Solutions for Building Self-Esteem
Let’s explore the basic types of distortions and how they can be modified. Because there are only a handful of distortions, you can learn them and their replacement thoughts so you can prevent yourself from falling into the common thinking traps. With practice you will learn to replace distortions quickly and without much effort, because this is what stressful situations often require.
How might we make the world a better place? There are many ways. When someone asked Mother Teresa how he might help her, she simply said, “Come and see.” We can simply observe what needs to be done, and do it as best we can. This might mean providing physical help (such as cleaning or giving a ride) or giving a smile, a listening ear, or encouragement. Simple expressions of help can be given to family, friends, coworkers, or strangers. Or, if we have the means, we might donate time or money to a worthwhile cause (such as a soup kitchen, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, Habitat for Humanity, or a political campaign). Further, you can think of your job as a way to contribute. For example, one janitor might view his job as simply cleaning and getting rid of trash. Another might view it as creating an environment that helps educators teach and a generation of children to learn.
Another way to make the world better is to beautify or improve our environment for the sake of others. This could involve artistic expression (such as painting or poetry), inventing, sprucing up your home or workplace, or picking up litter on your walking path. Additionally, you can think about what it would be like to be in another person’s shoes and see how your behaviors affect that person. Plante (2004) reminds us that the hotel housekeeper cleans up others’ messes and might be ignored by the guests. Perhaps she would appreciate receiving a simple greeting from the guests she cleans for. A salesclerk might be tired after a long day of dealing with demanding customers. An empathic smile or a word of thanks for her service might go a long way.
excerpt from Love Tune-Ups:
Here are some other pursuits you and your partner might try:
No matter what you decide to do, trying something new is always a good way to infuse fresh energy into your relationship and your life.
excerpt from Healing Together
The Impact of Post-traumatic Symptoms on Sexual Intimacy
Each of the three primary trauma cluster symptoms of hyperarousal, reexperiencing, and numbing and constriction is likely to have an effect on sexual intimacy. The disruption caused by each may be somewhat different as will the strategy that may be most helpful in working through it. Each of these is discussed and described below.
excerpt from Relationship Saboteurs
For some people, romantic fusion activates a totally different set of feelings. Those who fear it feel the same hunger for intimate connection that all people do, but the closer they get to it, the more they want to run away. Instead of the ecstasy that bonding offers, they feel terror, mistrust, anger, and debilitating fear.
Though there are many reasons why people fear intimacy, most often it is because they have experienced pain in their past intimate connections. Though betrayal can happen at any time of life, the most significant damage is done in childhood, when helplessness creates raw vulnerability.
Children who are abused, neglected, or emotionally erased have only known intimacy paired with pain or loss. They often grow into adults who cannot trust or sustain intimacy without expecting those negative feelings to resurface. These negative feelings may not show up in the relationship’s initial stages, when there’s enough emotional distance and a sense of control. But when their partner gets too close, they begin to feel suffocated, anticipating being captured and traumatized again. Driven by those fears, they push their partner away. Now separate and lonely, they may try to win back their partner and recapture the very intimacy from which they’ve fled.
People who are afraid of intimacy may eventually become commitment phobic, avoiding intimacy and long-term commitment. After multiple failures, they may talk about intimate relationships in these ways:
excerpt from The Eating Wisely for Hormonal Balance Journal
Alternatives to Supermarkets
You needn’t always shop at supermarkets, where a diverse selection of produce, spices, and herbs can be hard to come by. Here are some other places to get your favorite new foods.
Community supported farms: Why not have organic fruits and vegetables delivered to your home or office? Ask at your local farmer’s market or health food co-op, look in the phone book, or check online at www.csacenter.org for local farms that will deliver. These farms often send recipes along with their produce. Some even let you choose the specific fruits and vegetables that you want, and may even let you order nonproduce items like soy milk, organic chocolate and coffee, fruit juices, tea, pasta, bread, and sometimes even meat and fish. Many of these farms welcome visitors, which can make for a great day trip.
Farmer’s markets: These have become weekly events in many parts of the country, and they’re a great source of locally grown produce, as well as breads, honey, flowers, and other items. By buying at a local farmer’s market, you support local growers and you know that your food hasn’t traveled across the country to get to you.
Multicultural markets: If your community has neighborhoods where people from different cultures live, visit their markets. It can be like traveling to another country, without the expense of the plane fare. You can often find food items in these markets that you can’t find at your local markets. Experiment by buying one or two unfamiliar items and challenge yourself to find ways to use them. Or ask a local shopper how to use the item, and become part of a mini multicultural exchange program.
excerpt from Eating Mindfully
skill builder: create new eating habits
excerpt from Messages
There are eight major hidden agendas. As you read about them in the descriptions that follow, notice which ones may apply to you.
“I’m Good”
You are the hero of all your stories. Each anecdote highlights the attributes you value most. If you want people to know about your wealth or power, your stories tell them. If you want the word out about your strength or generosity, your stories do that for you. A frequently encoun¬tered “I’m good” agenda is the caring and sensitive person. This role is played as if you were on the stage—you create an undeniably fine character, but not your authentic self. You have to prove your caring constantly by a gesture, a recollection, a sensitive remark.
Here are some typical “I’m good” messages:
Everyone is a little phony, but the “I’m good” agenda is more than that. It’s a life’s work. It’s a way of distorting yourself so that only very selected parts get seen. It means you don’t trust anyone with the parts of yourself that are less than wonderful.
There are two big disadvantages to the “I’m good” agenda. It’s hard to get close to people because they only know you through your “I’m good” stories. And people get bored. They get tired of seeing the same mask, hearing the same theme over and over. They listen for a while, then go away.
Not every relationship or situation requires whole messages. Effective communication with your garage mechanic probably won’t involve a lot of deep feeling or discussion of your emotional needs. Even with intimates, the majority of messages are just informational. But partial messages, with something important left out or obscured, are always dangerous. They become relational booby traps when used to express the complex issues that are an inevitable part of closeness.
You can test whether you are giving whole or partial messages by asking yourself the following questions:
excerpt from But I Didn't Mean That!
curiosity
It was the most trying time for the Morris family. The week before his daughter Judy was to announce her engagement, Joe Morris was diagnosed with lung cancer. With heavy hearts, Joe and his wife, Eileen, decided not to tell Judy about her father’s condition until after the engagement party. Despite this devastating news, they were determined not to cast a shadow over her happiness. At the engagement party, the mood was jubilant. As Judy and her fiancé showed off the diamond ring he had bought her, people said what a cute couple they made. They glowed with happiness, and Eileen and Joe were glowing too. Looking at Joe, no one could tell he’d just received such a grim diagnosis. They were grateful to be pulling it off with no one the wiser. While Eileen and Joe were standing around the dessert table with their children, their neighbor Paul came over to them. “I heard you two were at the oncologist’s office last week,” he said, loud enough for everyone to hear. “Is everything all right?” Eileen was horrified and couldn’t control her face. Judy took one look at her mother’s pained expression and ran from the room. Realizing that he’d said something wrong, Paul tried to recover from his mistake. “I didn’t know it was a secret,” he defended himself. “I’m sorry if I upset anyone. I was just curious.” Paul’s curiosity drove him to ask an inappropriate question at the worst possible time for the Morris family. Before blurting what was on his mind, Paul should have used the Q-pts.
New Harbinger Publications
Susan Albers, PsyD
Ronald Alexander, Ph.D.
Lisa Firestone, Ph.D.
Susan Pease Gadoua, LCSW
Elisha Goldstein, PhD
Randi Gunther, PhD
Rick Hanson, Ph.D.
Steven C. Hayes, PhD
Lara Honos-Webb, PhD
Susan Kuchinskas
Karen Leland
Tammy Nelson, PhD
Sheryl Paul
Suzanne Phillips, PsyD
Stephanie Sarkis, Ph.D.
Stephanie Silberman, PhD
Pavel Somov, PhD
Cassandra Vieten, Ph.D.
Susan Albers, PsyD "Comfort Cravings"
Ronald Alexander, PhD "The Wise Mind Open Mind"
Susan Bauer-Wu "Living Fully & Letting Go"
Stanley H. Block, MD "Come To Your Senses"
Raychelle Cassada Lohmann, MS, LPC "Teen Angst"
Elliot D. Cohen PhD "What Would Aristotle Do?"
Carolyn Coker Ross, MD, MPH "Real Healing"
Troy DuFrene "Fumbling for Change"
Russ Federman, PhD, ABPP "Bipolar You"
Lisa Firestone, PhD "Compassion Matters"
Robert Firestone, PhD "The Human Experience"
John P. Forsyth, PhD "Peace of Mind"
Paul Gilbert, PhD "Practice Compassion"
Barton Goldsmith, PhD "Emotional Fitness"
Ken Goss, DClinPsy "Practice Compassion"
Randi Gunther, PhD "Rediscovering Love"
Rick Hanson, PhD "Your Wise Brain"
Russ Harris, MD "The Happiness Trap"
Steven C. Hayes, PhD "Get Out of Your Mind"
Lynne Henderson, PhD "Practice Compassion"
Lara Honos-Webb, PhD "The Gift of ADHD"
Jonathan Kaplan, PhD "Urban Mindfulness"
Melissa Kirk "Test Case"
Bill Knaus, EdD "Science and Sensibility"
Randi Kreger "Stop Walking on Eggshells"
Marilyn Krieger, PhD "The White Knight Syndrome"
Mary Lamia, PhD "The White Knight Syndrome"
Karen Leland "The Perfect Blend"
Barbara Markway, PhD "Shyness Is Nice"
Kelly McGonigal, PhD "The Science of Willpower"
Susan Pease Gadoua, LCSW "Contemplating Divorce"
Stephanie Sarkis, PhD "Here, There, and Everywhere"
Jefferson Singer, PhD "Life Scripts"
Shawn Smith "Ironshrink"
Olga Trujillo, JD "The Sum of My Parts"
Cassandra Vieten, PhD "Mindful Motherhood"
Ruth C. White, PhD "Culture in Mind"
Psych Central
Elisha Goldstein, PhD "Mindfulness & Psychotherapy"
Christy Matta, MA "Dialectical Behavior Therapy Understood"
Suzanne Phillips, PsyD, ABPP "Healing Together for Couples"
Pavel Somov, PhD "360º of Mindful Living"
Web MD
Judith London, PhD
Sharecare
Annemarie Colbin, PhD
Margaret Floyd, NTP
Raychelle Lohmann, MS, LPC
Blake Taylor
Sheri Van Dijk
Ruth White, PhD