excerpt from Eating Mindfully

skill builder: create new eating habits

1. Make two lists, one of the foods you eat “mindfully,” and the other of the foods you eat “mindlessly.” Foods eaten “mindlessly” are those you avoid, restrict, define as “bad,” those that produce strong emotions of guilt, and/or induce over- or out-of-control eating. Mindful foods may produce emotions, but they are mostly positive or neutral emotions. Mindful foods are eaten willingly, without reservation or fear. If youdon’t divide foods into these categories consciously, you may have an internal sense of your emotionalreactions (carefree eating versus eating that results in guilt, stress, or fear). Getting in touch with the wayyou react to each of these categories of foods is important. The first step to changing any behavior is to become more aware of it. Bring these categories into your conscious, deliberate thoughts.
2. Next, think about how to take food out of the two categories. Remove the “bad” label from a cookie by giving it a purpose. Is your intention to have a snack? If so, eat the cookie in mindful bites, or use it to satisfy a raving for sweets. Or, give yourself a prescription for a once-a-day dose of a cookie. Start with the foods you eat mindlessly. As you begin to be more comfortable, start to experiment by sampling foods you’ve completely cut out of your diet, or foods that you are intensely afraid of or are reluctant to eat. Conquer your fears.
3. Break out of your standard routine. Whether you go to the grocery store and buy the same items week after week, or zoom down the aisles looking for the Specials, do something different. Examine and buy an exotic fruit like a mango, papaya, or an Asian pear. Or, try a loaf of gourmet whole wheat bread. Add a touch of spice and variety to your meals. Walk through the store mindfully examining each item. Be aware of products you’ve never noticed before. Touch and turn over packages, smell the fruits, examine everything, and buy a new food.

excerpt from Messages

There are eight major hidden agendas. As you read about them in the descriptions that follow, notice which ones may apply to you.

“I’m Good”

You are the hero of all your stories. Each anecdote highlights the attributes you value most. If you want people to know about your wealth or power, your stories tell them. If you want the word out about your strength or generosity, your stories do that for you. A frequently encoun¬tered “I’m good” agenda is the caring and sensitive person. This role is played as if you were on the stage—you create an undeniably fine character, but not your authentic self. You have to prove your caring constantly by a gesture, a recollection, a sensitive remark.

Here are some typical “I’m good” messages:

• “I’m honest.” “I’m successful.”
• “I’m hardworking.” “I’m powerful.”
• “I’m courageous.” “I’m strong.”
• I’m loyal.” “I’m wealthy.”
• “I’m generous.” “I’m self-sacrificing.”
• “I’m ambitious.” “I’m adventurous.”

Everyone is a little phony, but the “I’m good” agenda is more than that. It’s a life’s work. It’s a way of distorting yourself so that only very selected parts get seen. It means you don’t trust anyone with the parts of yourself that are less than wonderful.

There are two big disadvantages to the “I’m good” agenda. It’s hard to get close to people because they only know you through your “I’m good” stories. And people get bored. They get tired of seeing the same mask, hearing the same theme over and over. They listen for a while, then go away.

excerpt from Messages

Not every relationship or situation requires whole messages. Effective communication with your garage mechanic probably won’t involve a lot of deep feeling or discussion of your emotional needs. Even with intimates, the majority of messages are just informational. But partial messages, with something important left out or obscured, are always dangerous. They become relational booby traps when used to express the complex issues that are an inevitable part of closeness.

You can test whether you are giving whole or partial messages by asking yourself the following questions:

excerpt from Children of the Self-Absorbed

Creativity, as used here, includes the following:

• Developing new ways to do things and solve problems
• Perceiving things from a new perspective
• Bringing a fresh, new, or novel approach to something that already exists
• Engaging in creating something that brings you pleasure
• Learning something you did not know and making constructive use of the knowledge
• Streamlining, correcting, reducing, or eliminating barriers, constraints, and roadblocks
• Trying something different

excerpt from Children of the Self-Absorbed

Your self-absorbed parent may still expect you to be at his beck and call, even though you are an adult and have a life and responsibilities separate from him. He may make unreasonable demands on you to do things he can do for himself, to be responsible for his physical and emotional welfare, to always do what he wants you to do or to be what he wants you to be, to act on his desires and wishes, and to accept his authority without dissent. He seems to think that your responsibilities, such as a job or family time, should be secondary to whatever he thinks or wants. You may try to meet as many of his expectations and demands as you possibly can, but you can never give him enough, and trying to meet his demands may even be detrimental to other parts of your life. Both unreasonable demands and intrusive questions show a lack of understanding and respect for your boundaries. Further, both put you in a position where you run the risk of off ending if you do not immediately comply and do what is wanted or supply the desired answers. Intrusive questions are those that ask for intimate, personal, and sensitive information about yourself or others that you may not want to share. When faced with questions like these, you may need time to understand your own needs, desires, and wishes, and when engaged in an interaction, you cannot take the time you need. You are too busy interacting and reacting.

excerpt fromThe Estrogen-Depression Connection

Depression can occur in a subset of susceptible women

as a result of natural fluctuations in estrogen levels

associated with the developmental stages of a woman’s life.

Let’s break this sentence down into sections:

excerpt from The Estrogen-Depression Connection

Remember the stops along a subway system, where we can hop off to make a phone call, that is, to send a message? Imagine that estrogen has the ability to send a text message via cell phone. Estrogen helps direct the creation of the structures we mentioned earlier, and it also sends those biochemical messages. The biochemical messages, much like the text messages of our cell phone, are sent via chemicals known as neurotransmitters. Just as we need to have the right phone number to send the text message, we also need to have the correct neurotransmitter.