excerpt from Splitting by Bill Eddy LCSW, JD, and Randi Kreger

Regardless of where you are right now in the separation and divorce process, we recommend an assertive approach (in contrast to an aggressive or passive approach) in dealing with the potential splitting that may already have begun. …An assertive approach involves actively learning about personality problems, cultivating energy for dealing with such problems, documenting events (what happened and what was said), and actively presenting your information to legal professionals, the court, or both.

It’s perfectly understandable and normal to feel like responding aggressively when someone acts aggressively toward you. You might try to eliminate your partner from your life and from your children’s lives, or trash her the way she trashed you, but this common mistake backfires in court. Legal professionals may view you as the splitter and an equal party (or the primary party!) engaged in misbehavior. Even if that isn’t true, you don’t want to give your partner any ammunition to use against you in out of court. An aggressive approach by you can increase your partner’s unwanted behavior. Resist the urge to act aggressively, and mentally prepare yourself; in the long run you will be very glad you did.

excerpt from Bipolar 101 by Ruth C. White, PhD, MPH, MSW and John D. Preston, PsyD, ABPP

Stress has such an impact on our minds, bodies, and spirits that it exacerbates mental illnesses such as bipolar disorder. Stress is a significant trigger for episodes of bipolar disorder. Obviously, people who don’t have bipolar disorder get irritable, impatient, and short-tempered when faced with chronic stress, but for people with bipolar disorder, uncontrolled stress can lead to dangerous manic or depressive symptoms. The degree of stress we have in response to environmental stressors is partly genetic but can be controlled when we learn behaviors that minimize its impact on our psyches, relationships, and bodies.

Coping with stress has to do with our response to our environments. Having bipolar disorder can be very stressful and creates anxiety that reinforces symptoms. But with psychotherapy and medications that reduce anxiety, those of us who have bipolar disorder can learn how to live in the present moment without worrying as much what might happen if we have an episode. When in the midst of an episode, we may feel anxious that it might result in a hospitalization. Though we may feel we have no control over whether or not that happens, learning to cope with our stress in a healthier way helps us focus more effectively on managing our symptoms, which reduces the likelihood of being hospitalized or having a severe episode.

excerpt from Emotional Fitness for Couples

The course of working through a healing process in your relationship can be a burden. You can spend so much time working things out that you forget the reason you came together in the first place. Sometimes you stop doing those things that created the fond memories you are trying to hold on to.

Sometimes it’s important to put aside the working-it-out process and just have a good time. This gives you a chance to allow the other feelings you are processing to settle and find their proper place. It gives you an opportunity to reconnect on a different, yet familiar level.

We can forget how to play with each other because our competitive lifestyles have taught us how to play against each other. Playing with your partner will help heal your relationship. Remembering how to have fun takes a little time and experimentation, but, like riding a bike, it’s something you never forget.

excerpt from The Gift of Anger by Marcia Cannon Ph.D., MFT

As you explore your anger, you might notice that it covers other feelings.

These are vulnerable feelings and often painful. They are the upsetting feelings that make you feel smaller and weaker, and thus in need of the power boost that anger brings.

excerpt from Eating With Fierce Kindness by Sasha T. Loring, M.Ed., LCSW

For most people, changing deeply ingrained habits is not easily done, especially with habits that are as personal as those that relate to eating. Research indicates that the approach of self-kindness has powerful and lasting results and supports the kinds of changes that will enable your long-term success with achieving a healthy weight. I like using the term fierce kindness, which is the ability to strongly devote ourselves to changing thought patterns, beliefs, and behaviors that are ultimately not in our best interest, and doing so out of self-kindness, not self-judgment or criticism. The “fierceness” is the determination it takes to face your personal challenges. The “kindness” is the act of learning to enhance sincere feelings of warmth and caring toward yourself as you go along.

excerpt from Stronger Day by Day by Susan Pease Gadoua, LCSW

The rate at which your divorce (and, for that matter, your divorce recovery) proceeds is an important factor that most people don’t consider until they are well into the process. But one day, you may begin to feel that matters are going too slowly or too quickly or you may notice that your spouse is trying to move faster or slower than what you are comfortable with. This is the pacing of the process, and each person has his or her own sense of timing.

Certain key factors determine your pace: whether or not the decision to divorce was mutual; whether the decision was sudden or well thought-out; and what your two personalities and temperaments are like.

excerpt from Your Life on Purpose by Matthew McKay Ph.D., John P. Forsyth Ph.D., and Georg H. Eifert Ph.D.

We are living in difficult times. Many people are suffering right now. You may be one of them. People are out of work, losing their homes, struggling to get by, and wondering how they’ll make ends meet. And even if they still have a job and a home, they worry about their future and the well-being of their families, their children, and the planet. Many of these concerns are timeless and have been with us since the dawn of recorded history—and probably longer.

It’s so easy to lose sight of what matters in difficult times. In a way, it’s like living in a world filled with big, hungry lions. Evolution has prepared us to protect ourselves in such a world, and as a result we are quite good at focusing all of our attention and energies on the lions in our midst. As we go into self-preservation mode, we narrow and harden. This keeps us safe—at least when we’re actually in danger of being harmed or eaten.

But in the modern world most of us don’t have to face real lions. We do have to face our own pain and suffering and that of others. In a sense, this is the psychological equivalent of having a hungry lion or two following us wherever we go. And as those hungry lions pull for our attention and energy, our attention shifts to the suffering and away from doing what matters. In that shift, the rest of the world—full of so many other things to look at and do—washes away. We lose our bearings, and our lives become about avoiding and managing our lions—our pain and suffering.

Notice that this isn’t just about walking away. Heck, if the solution to suffering was like pulling your hand back from a hot stove, we’d say, “Do it. Just pull back and walk away.” (And if we were speaking about real lions, we’d say do the same—and do it fast!) But this isn’t the solution to human suffering. When we walk away from our suffering, we also tend to walk away from things that matter to us. So walking away has costs that can deeply diminish your life.

Maybe you feel as though your suffering has taken over your life. Or perhaps your experience is that pain and suffering have eclipsed any sense of what matters to you. The hurt has become central. You just don’t know what you care about anymore.

Or maybe you’re like millions of other people and do have a sense of what matters. Yet when you take a step forward, you find that the lions pop up out of nowhere and threaten to eat you alive. So, tired and frustrated, you retreat into the comfortable and safe. Maybe you’re looking for a way out of this cycle and back into your life.

excerpt from Living Beyond Your Pain by JoAnne Dahl, Ph.D., and Tobias Lundgren, MS

There’s a kind of dividing line between where pain ends and the suffering your pain causes you begins. This same line marks the difference between the aspects of your pain experience that you have control over and the ones you don’t. ACT draws this line between the physical pain you feel and the way pain is interrupting or inhibiting your life, understanding them as two different kinds of pain. We call the first one “clean pain.” It’s a simple, immediate, physical sensation that tells us something’s wrong. An aching back, the sore wrists of carpal tunnel syndrome, tender spots, an old ankle injury that flares up regularly—these things are all clean pain.

What we call “dirty pain” is something quite different. Dirty pain is all the reactions you have to your physical pain. Dirty pain is the things your mind tells you about your physical pain. It’s the epithets that run through your head when you do something that puts you in pain. It’s the avoidance behaviors you engage to keep yourself from feeling pain. Dirty pain is your attempts to relieve yourself of pain where relief may not be possible.

excerpt from Stopping the Pain by Lawrence E. Shapiro Ph.D.

Most people who self-injure keep their behavior secret. They might feel that they are the only ones in the world who act this way. Even people who are seeing counselors may be ashamed to admit that they hurt themselves.

In the last few years, more people have talking about self-injury, and it has become less secret. Many books have been written about self-injury. There are also many websites and blogs, although it is important for you to be aware that not everything you read on the Internet is in your best interest.

The more people talk about self-injury, the more we can understand how to help people with this problem. Separating myths from facts is always a step in the right direction.

excerpt from Free from OCD by Timothy A. Sisemore Ph.D.

Jamaal doesn’t really appreciate his new nickname, Mr. Perfect. Though he has really tried not to, he still has to keep every paper straight in his organizer and catches himself straightening up his friends’ papers. He used to feel good about himself and thought he was pretty popular and cool. But now that his stuck thoughts and rituals have gotten worse, he doesn’t go out with friends much because he just doesn’t want to hear the teasing. He has to go to school but wouldn’t if he didn’t have to. Though his friends say they’re just teasing, Jamaal doesn’t find it very funny. Having OCD is a pain.

for you to know

As if it isn’t bad enough to wrestle with stuck thoughts and rituals, for many teens these symptoms can have a big impact on many areas of their lives—particularly in friendships and self-confidence. In some ways these “side effects” can be worse than the stuck thoughts and rituals themselves.

for you to do

Get a piece of paper and answer the following questions: