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One method to use when you want to communicate your feelings, meanings, and intentions in the most direct and respectful way possible is by using the “Asking for Change” model. The use of I messages in this approach is specific, nonjudgmental, and focused on the speaker. In contrast, you messages are often received as hostile, blaming, and focused on the other person. Reframing you messages into I messages with very specific behavioral information can help you communicate, because your partner is less likely to feel attacked. After you read these examples, get out your journal and write down three examples of your own. I recommend telling your partner that you are trying this out, then using this approach and getting feedback from him about how it came across.
Construct I messages by using these four phrases:
The different parts of the I message do not have to be delivered in exact order. The important thing is to keep the focus on yourself and to stay away from blame. Here are a couple examples:
excerpt from Is He Depressed or What? What to do when the man you love is irritable, moody, and withdrawn, by David B. Wexler (Chapter 5 - You Are Not a Punching Bag: Enabling)
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