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Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Asking for Change

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:: personal growth, relationships, depression, excerpt

One method to use when you want to communicate your feelings, meanings, and intentions in the most direct and respectful way possible is by using the “Asking for Change” model. The use of I messages in this approach is specific, nonjudgmental, and focused on the speaker.

In contrast, you messages are often received as hostile, blaming, and focused on the other person. Reframing you messages into I messages with very specific behavioral information can help you communicate, because your partner is less likely to feel attacked.

After you read these examples, get out your journal and write down three examples of your own. I recommend telling your partner that you are trying this out, then using this approach and getting feedback from him about how it came across.

Construct I messages by using these four phrases:

When you (state the behavior).
I feel (state the feeling) because (explain in more detail).
Note: Using the word “because” with an explanation can help by giving the other person more information to understand you.
I wish (state what you would prefer instead).
And if you can do that, I will (explain how the other person will benefit).

The different parts of the I message do not have to be delivered in exact order. The important thing is to keep the focus on yourself and to stay away from blame. Here are a couple examples:

When you take long phone calls during dinner, I get angry because I begin to think you don’t want to talk to me. I wish you would tell whoever’s calling that you’ll call back because we’re in the middle of dinner. And if you can do that, I’ll make sure not to hassle you so much about being on the phone later.
When you don’t come home on time or call, I get worried that something has happened to you. I would really like you to call me if you’re gong to be late. And if you can do that, I promise not to have an attitude when you get home.

excerpt from Is He Depressed or What? What to do when the man you love is irritable, moody, and withdrawn, by David B. Wexler (Chapter 5 - You Are Not a Punching Bag: Enabling)

Posted By newharb / 12:00 AM / Tuesday, September 22, 2009

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