If control is central to the problem of excessive worry and anxiety, what is the alternative to control? The short answer to this question is “willingness.”


WILLINGNESS & THE OUTSIDE/INSIDE PRINCIPLE

We can develop willingness in two areas of experience: outside and inside.

•    Outside Willingness = Commitment
Willingness on the outside involves a willingness to do the things that are important or valuable to us. This willingness on the outside can be described as a commitment to take action in a specific way. Of course, taking certain actions is often associated with certain feelings and thoughts. When it comes to taking action in areas where we tend to avoid and procrastinate, these feelings and thoughts often include anxiety and worry.

•    Inside Willingness = Acceptance
Willingness on the inside means a willingness to feel the feelings and experience the thoughts that come up in a given situation or when we take a specific action. We are most willing to take action when we are willing to have the feelings and thoughts associated with that action.

•    Acceptance + Commitment = Willingness
Inside and outside willingness work together. As we become more accepting of our thoughts and feelings (inside), we are more willing to take action (outside). Likewise, increasing our commitment to action (outside) brings with it an inherent degree of acceptance (inside).

In developing your willingness to feel, think, and experience (acceptance) and your willingness to act (commitment) as an alternative response to worry and anxiety, you are creating a context of willingness (as opposed to one of control) in which to experience anxious feelings and worrisome thoughts.


WILLINGNESS VS. WANTING

It’s important to make the distinction between being willing to experience anxiety and worry and wanting these experiences. The phrase “embrace those feelings” has not only become a cliché, it’s misleading.

Being willing to experience your thoughts and feelings does not mean that you have to like them or want them—it simply means that you are willing to make room for them. Have you ever had the experience of allowing a guest into your home, even though you did not really want that person to be there?

Think of anxiety and worry as the in-laws that you are less than happy to see, but that you manage to make welcome anyway. Why would you do this? Because it works to do so. In the case of the in-laws, making room for them works for your marriage and is better than the scene that would result if you threw them out of the house. In the case of thoughts and feelings, making room for them works in that it allows you to do the things that are important to you and is better than the escalating “dirty” anxiety that results when you are not willing to feel what you feel.


ACCEPTANCE VS. GIVING UP

Finally, all this talk about acceptance does not mean that your problems with anxiety and worry are beyond hope and you should just accept being miserable. Accepting your anxious feelings and worry-oriented thoughts is not the same as accepting feeling miserable.

Remember, it is not the anxiety or worry themselves that make you miserable but your relationship to them (the context in which you experience them). Far from giving up, acceptance and commitment allow you to move on.


Adapted from The Worry Trap: How to Free Yourself from Worry & Anxiety using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.