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Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Six Habits that Build Trust in Yourself and With Others

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:: personal growth, commitment, relationships

by guest blogger Cynthia Wall, LCSW

You can only rely on others to the degree you truly trust yourself. This formula seems simple, but simple is seldom easy. To expect honesty in a relationship, you must commit to being truthful. Genuine compassion and forgiveness of others’ mistakes grows from the reflection of the kindness you show for your own failures.

The key to building deep and lasting relationships is to strengthen your own trustworthiness. When you practice trust-building habits, you increase your confidence in coping with the uncertainties of life. These habits will help to heal the small cracks in trust and intimacy in worthwhile relationships, especially with yourself. When a relationship lacks mutual respect despite your best efforts, you will have increased faith in your ability to move on and handle separation and loss with grace.

Consider the following list of behaviors and concepts with these two questions in mind: How would your life change if you committed to these habits? How would it feel if the people in your life engaged with you in these ways?

Six Habits That Build Trust

1. Put those you love ahead of all others.

Just a few minutes of undiluted attention will let people know how important they are to you. Turn off your phone and television when your children or partner wants to talk. Before walking into your home, take a full minute to consider how to let each one know you love them. Linger for two full seconds to sweeten each hello and goodbye. This devotion of full focus lets them know you love them, and they will be more patient when you ask them to understand when you cannot be with them.

2. Speak your truth with compassion.

Everyone fears rejection and we all make mistakes. When you are hurt and angry, take the time to figure out the message you most want the other person to hear. To lie or speak harshly about yourself is self-destructive, and to do so of others seriously limits your relationships. Summon the courage to speak directly to, and not about, others when you are hurt or conflicted. If you have spoken about someone harshly only to learn that you were mistaken, clear their reputation with the truth.

3. Question your assumptions about others’ intentions.

Was this a misunderstanding or a deliberate betrayal? The difference between the two possibilities, and therefore the appropriate response, is enormous. You undermine trust when you assume to know what others were thinking when they upset you. If others do not return phone calls or invitations, or show hesitancy, gently ask if you have hurt them, and listen without defense. This offers them an opportunity to clear up their assumptions as well as yours.

4. Consider your words to be promises.

Make every effort to remember and accomplish even a casual commitment. Notice how it affects your trust in those who do not keep their commitments to you. “As good as my word” used to be a mark of excellent character. Strengthen your resolve by saying, “…and that is a promise.” When you keep all your promises it is easier to say no.

5. Say “I’m sorry” as quickly as possible.

This is especially important when the hurt was unintended, as in misunderstandings. Just because you didn’t mean to hurt someone’s feelings does not make the sting fade. “You took it wrong” shows no compassion and compounds the hurt. Be the first person to apologize for the hurt that was caused, even if it was mutual. This allows you both to concentrate on sorting out the confusion, and learning how to avoid similar errors in the future. When you know you are wrong, ask for forgiveness. Commit to changing your behavior in the future. This actually deepens intimacy in mutually respectful relationships.

6. Show gratitude and courtesy to everyone.

Be certain to say “please,” “thank you,” and “excuse me,” and give compliments to those you love as automatically as you do with strangers. The feelings and self-esteem of children, animals, wait staff, and tech support are as important as your own. More experienced people are obliged to guide their interactions with respect. As a rule, do not trust your heart to anyone who is deliberately rude, demands special treatment, or enjoys being harshly superior.

Make the commitment to lead your life with these habits and others will respect your word and trust you more deeply. In a subtle way, these habits are contagious. When actions or words are felt as betrayals, these habits provide a strong basis of honesty and willingness to hear each other’s truths. Trust and intimacy and mutual respect grow in this environment.

Cynthia Wall, LCSW works in private practice counseling individuals and couples. She is the author of Courage to Trust: A Guide to Building Deep and Lasting Relationships.

Posted By newharb / 12:00 AM / Wednesday, June 24, 2009