Narcissism sounds like a disaster, doesn’t it? But is narcissism always bad? Actually, it’s not. Healthy narcissism contains the seeds of assertiveness and self-respect. While “healthy narcissism” sounds like an oxymoron, in reality narcissism occurs along a spectrum within the human condition. Embodied in human nature itself is a tendency for narcissistic expression. And that isn’t all bad.


Healthy Childhood Narcissism

When you delve into the literature on childhood development, you are reminded that nearly every child comes into the world with the capacity to be impulsive, angry, and demanding (as well as joyful, playful, and curious). These qualities are simply elements of the broad spectrum of emotions linked to a child’s natural vulnerability and innate temperament. Narcissism has robust value for children. It helps them express their physical and emotional discomfort, especially in the preverbal years. The child becomes angry, cries, and demands attention in order to obtain protection, approval, comfort, and playful engagement. This is healthy and developmentally appropriate behavior.

A wise and loving approach to parenting seeks to provide the emotional and physical support that will allow the child to become secure and competent. It works to provide reasonable limits in order to promote safety and tolerance. It tries to foster a healthy balance between receptivity to others and self-directed attention. Most parents hope their children will grow up with wise and loving internal advocates and a healthy sense of entitlement, meaning they will maintain their self-worth and recognize that they have a right to be respected and included. Parents want their children to gain an appreciation and respect for the rights of others. And they must attempt to do all of this against the backdrop of the many unsolved mysteries of parenting, their own lingering issues, and their child’s unique temperament.  This can surely be a challenging if not daunting task for any parent.

In Parenting from the Inside Out (Siegel and Hartzell 2004), Daniel Siegel writes about the need for parents to make sense out of their own early life experiences and to create healthy and coherent personal narratives so that they can provide effective modeling and attuned communication, and raise children who will thrive. Parents who learn how to connect the dots of their own journey through life have a heightened chance of offering loving and skillful discipline to their children.

In a loving and grounded parent-child relationship, the notion of shame can play an appropriate role in discipline as a means of calibrating the barometer of give-and-take and teaching the child a sense of family values and personal responsibility—but not that the child is bad and unlovable. With this approach, the child learns how to be accountable without feeling flawed and damaged. The goal is to create a home where the child learns to celebrate his or her creativity and self while also developing a sense of responsibility to the community of others. As the lyrically gifted poet and philosopher John O’Donohue says, “A home is a place where a set of different destinies begin to articulate and define themselves. It is the cradle of one’s future” (2000, 31).

In summary, healthy childhood narcissism evolves into integrity— the art of making a promise and keeping it. It harnesses an authentic picture of the child, not a cloaked one. It enables the child to articulate his or her intentions, needs, and purpose in the world with clarity, and with sensitivity to others. Healthy narcissism allows for a sturdier and more secure attachment to others, promoting sentiments of responsibility and reciprocity.


Healthy Adult Narcissism

When considering the term “healthy adult narcissism,” you may think of a particular person who has achieved a degree of fame or recognition, and who is currently making a difference in the community or in the world. This person may be having a profoundly personal impact on your life, as well. Healthy adult narcissists may or may not have been fortunate enough to receive all the gifts of wise and loving parenting, and a stable and healthy home in which to grow and evolve. Their beginnings may have been stormy and turbulent, and their life journey may have taken them across rough terrain or through quagmires. They may have come by the qualifier “healthy” through therapy, spiritual guidance, or any number of self help practices. They may have been healed by the gentle kindness of a teacher, a friend, a mentor, or a lover.

While positions of success and celebrity are often prominently held by the odious and challenging overt maladaptive narcissists, many successful people exist within the domain of well-adjusted, or healthy, narcissism. Why do we still need to use the term “narcissism” with this group? In part, it’s because these people, who often possess above-average dexterity and prowess, aren’t like the ordinary “nice guy” when it comes to their self-esteem and their facility for dealing with their opponents.

Oprah Winfrey, like other icons of the media, makes us feel grateful for healthy adult narcissism. Without it, the eye-opening issues and lessons of transformation that emerge from provocative interviews might not otherwise reach our awareness and mobilize our senses. Through keen-edged, frank, and sometimes prickly confrontations, viewers come to witness and actuate missions of hope, humility, possibility, and a profound connection to personal responsibility.

When considering the profile of the healthy narcissist, bear in mind that such people will possess many of the following traits with both frequency and intensity:

• Empathic: attuned to the inner world of others
  
  
• Engaging: charismatic, socially literate, and interpersonally companionable
  
  
• A leader: able to conceptualize a purpose or a vision, and able to formulate a direction when collaborating with others
  
  
• Self-possessed (not selfish): confident and rigorously committed to generosity and authenticity
  
  
• Seeks recognition: fueled by approval ratings and motivated to make a difference
  
  
• Determined: able to push beyond the dense briars of opposition
  
  
• Confrontational: can hold others accountable without assassinating their souls
  
  
• Wisely fearful: able to discern between reasonably disquieting solicitation and destructive seduction

Adapted from Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving & Thriving with the Self-Absorbed by Wendy T. Behary, LCSW