For most people, changing deeply ingrained habits is not easily done, especially with habits that are as personal as those that relate to eating. Research indicates that the approach of self-kindness has powerful and lasting results and supports the kinds of changes that will enable your long-term success with achieving a healthy weight. I like using the term fierce kindness, which is the ability to strongly devote ourselves to changing thought patterns, beliefs, and behaviors that are ultimately not in our best interest, and doing so out of self-kindness, not self-judgment or criticism. The “fierceness” is the determination it takes to face your personal challenges. The “kindness” is the act of learning to enhance sincere feelings of warmth and caring toward yourself as you go along.

The story of Rachel is a wonderful illustration of the power of fierce kindness. Rachel was taking an eight-week class that I was teaching on how to apply mindfulness to eating. After the second class she came up to me in tears. “I don’t think I can do this,” she said. “I have relied on food for so long that I’m really terrified of making changes.” After hearing her concerns, I reassured her and pointed out that in fact I had not mentioned changing anything about her food intake. What we had been talking about was how to mindfully observe thoughts, feelings, and behaviors around food, with kindness. Mindfulness is a way of paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, with an openhearted attitude. At this point in the class, we were very gently approaching the idea that change is possible, as long as kindness toward yourself is the motivation.

A few weeks later, Rachel came in, beaming. “I made a commitment to myself to notice my fears, but to also start incorporating the things I am learning,” she announced. “I have been eating mindfully all week. I slow down, and I pay attention. I actually sit down and spend twenty minutes eating breakfast. I’m really enjoying my food and feeling satisfied, and I’m sure I’m eating less!”

This story typifies fierce kindness. Rachel found the courage to recognize the way she was using food to mask her anxiety. She learned and practiced new ways of coping with uncomfortable feelings, and how to make important changes in her whole approach to food and weight loss. She began to make decisions based on her own timetable and inner motivation, with great respect and caring for herself. Fierce kindness is a thread that weaves through all the chapters in this book, and it will be illuminated in numerous ways.

What has been illustrated so far are three qualities of fierce kindness. The first is the willingness to slow down and listen to your own inner world. The second is the act of extending a warm and caring attitude to the parts of yourself that may have been kept hidden or been rejected. The third is the cultivation of the stance of a “gentle warrior.” This is someone who has a soft heart—an open, caring attitude toward self and the world—but also a firm back—the capability and determination to do what needs to be done.

excerpt from Eating With Fierce Kindness: A Mindful and Compassionate Guide to Losing Weight by Sasha T. Loring, M.Ed., LCSW