Quiet minds cannot be perplexed or frightened but go on in fortune or misfortune at their own private pace, like a clock during a thunderstorm.

~ Robert Louis Stevenson

The rate at which your divorce (and, for that matter, your divorce recovery) proceeds is an important factor that most people don’t consider until they are well into the process. But one day, you may begin to feel that matters are going too slowly or too quickly or you may notice that your spouse is trying to move faster or slower than what you are comfortable with. This is the pacing of the process, and each person has his or her own sense of timing.

Certain key factors determine your pace: whether or not the decision to divorce was mutual; whether the decision was sudden or well thought-out; and what your two personalities and temperaments are like.

In the event that you both saw the breakup coming, it’s likely that you can get through the dissolution relatively quickly. There will be fewer hitches and, since the decision to split is mutual, you and your spouse are likely to agree on more issues. You are also likely to move on from your marriage more quickly.

However, when one spouse wants the marriage to end and the other doesn’t, the spouse who wants to save the marriage often takes significantly longer to get through the financial and legal process because they are still trying to integrate the marital dissolution mentally and emotionally.

If there was an element of surprise involved in which one spouse sprung the news of the desired divorce on the other, it can take months for the initial shock and denial to wear off, which can slow the process down considerably.

If you were the initiator of the divorce, you may want things to go faster so you can begin your new life. On the other hand, if your spouse is leaving you (even if it isn’t a surprise), you will likely be moving more slowly, as you accept the decision your spouse made to end the marriage.

Or perhaps the patterns of your divorce process will resemble the patterns of your marriage—one of you may have always done things slowly and methodically and the other always wanted everything to happen more quickly.

Being prepared for these pacing differences can change the expectations you have for one another to either “get things done” or to “stop pushing!” This holds true in many areas of your life, but it can be particularly pronounced during a marital dissolution.

Affirmation

I acknowledge my own pace as well as that of my spouse. We continually work together to find a pace that is acceptable to both of us.

Journal Exercise

• Where do you see yourself in the divorce process? Write about your perfect pace.
• Where do you see your spouse? What do you think your spouse’s perfect pace is?
• What would compromise look and feel like?
• Is there a conversation you can have with your spouse about timing? What would you say? Write out an imaginary conversation with your spouse about timing.

excerpt from Stronger Day by Day: Reflections for Healing and Rebuilding After Divorce by Susan Pease Gadoua, LCSW