Society’s preoccupation with and marketing of physical attractiveness reinforces the assumption that being good-looking pays bigger benefits than it actually does. The undeniable truth is that being good-looking is sometimes advantageous. However, as the French author Stendhal asserted in his famous essay on love in 1822, “Beauty is only the promise of happiness.” Nonetheless, for many reasons, attractiveness doesn’t keep most of its promises. There are also plenty of reasons why being average-looking or less doesn’t close off opportunities for happiness. To help you challenge Appearance Assumption 1, I want to take a few pages here to explain to you why looks aren’t everything. These are not reasons that I made up; these are facts established by scientific research on the psychology of physical appearance (Cash 1990; Feingold 1992; Jackson 1992).

• Fact 1: Beauty is as beauty does. It’s true. Actions do speak more loudly than looks. Friendliness, warmth, intelligence, honesty, a sense of humor, and social sensitivity are highly valued human traits, regardless of what you look like. Think about people who are important in your life. Are they all perfect 10s on the appearance scale? I’ll bet their looks aren’t that crucial to how you feel about them.
• Fact 2: First impressions don’t always last. Our initial reactions to someone’s appearance are not frozen forever in our minds. We come to see good people as increasingly good looking. Have you ever met a person whose appearance wasn’t so appealing, but as your relationship evolved, that person’s looks seemed more and more interesting and attractive? On the other hand, have you ever noticed how the halo of physical attractiveness can fade over time? In 1903, playwright George Bernard Shaw aptly observed, “Beauty is all very well at first sight, but who ever looks at it when it has been in the house three days?”
• Fact 3: Birds of a feather do flock together. We are often attracted to people who are similar to us in certain ways. For example, we seek out those with shared interests, ethnic heritage, religious or political values, and educational background. This is sometimes true of physical appearance as well. Many times, best friends, dates, and mates are comparable in physical attractiveness. This pairing off based on similarity of attractiveness has the fortunate result that nobody gets left out.
• Fact 4: Beauty can backfire by implying egotism. Appearance Assumption 1 ignores the “ugly faces of beauty.” Paradoxically, the assumed advantages of physical attractiveness can cause disadvantages. If we believe that good-looking people are desirable and reap social benefits, we may also think that they are well aware of their good looks and their privileged status. So we infer that they must be self-absorbed and opportunistic. Then, we may assume they are less responsible or trustworthy as friends, romantic partners, or parents. This negative (and false) stereotype of attractive people can complicate or cancel the benefits of their looks.
• Fact 5: Beauty can backfire because of sexism. Another factor that undermines the power of attractiveness is sexism. Pretty women are sometimes presumed to possess “feminine” personality traits, such as passivity and emotionality. Handsome guys are sometimes thought to have “masculine” characteristics, such as a dominant personality and a low “emotional IQ.” Although these stereotypes are untrue, such sexist biases about physical attractiveness erode some of its positive power.
• Fact 6: Beauty breeds envy and jealousy. The eighteenth-century historian Edward Gibbon once said that “beauty is an outward gift which is seldom despised, except by those to whom it has been refused.” Have you ever heard anyone exclaim, “They are so good looking (or thin, or well built). I hate them”? When we compare ourselves to people who have the looks we idealize, we usually end up feeling worse about our own appearance and then we dislike these good-looking people for “making” us feel unattractive. My own research has concluded that people who are highly invested in being physically attractive are more likely to distrust and disparage good-looking people of their own sex.
• Fact 7: Beauty can transform people into sex objects. In a well-known popular song, Rod Stewart posed the question “Do ya think I’m sexy?” Although most of us want our romantic partners to find us sexy, few of us enjoy being seen solely as a sex object by everyone we encounter. Good-looking people, especially women, are often subjected to unwelcome sexual comments about their bodies. These remarks are frequently demeaning and harassing. Would you really want to be seen as only a sexy body or a pretty face?
• Fact 8: Beauty can foster self-doubt. Fact 7, above, gives rise to another problem for attractive people: They may think that people are nice to them only because they are attractive. Allow me to explain this by repeating a conversation I once had with my longtime friend, Nancy, who is strikingly lovely. One day, I complimented her, telling her how beautiful I thought she was. To my surprise, she became very upset and said, “I thought you liked me for who I am. Now, I’ll never be sure that it’s not just because of what I happen to look like.” Nancy’s point poses important questions. Wouldn’t you rather know that people like you because you’re a splendid person and not merely because you’re nice to look at? Wouldn’t you rather feel that you deserve the recognition you get than have to wonder if somebody’s being nice to you just because he or she is enchanted with your looks?
• Fact 9: Beauty is a weak foundation for self-esteem. The more people invest in a “beauty bank,” the more vulnerable their self-worth becomes. So, contrary to Appearance Assumption 1, good-looking people don’t have it all, if “it all” rests on being attractive. Time and life events alter one’s appearance—for better or worse. A foundation for self worth built on beauty is a shaky foundation indeed.
• Fact 10: Looks don’t matter to everybody. The nineteenth-century poet Robert Southey wrote, “How little do they see what is, who frame their hasty judgments upon that which seems.” We all know “nearsighted” people who judge others solely on appearances. Fortunately, however, there are many people who aren’t swayed by whether we’re fat or skinny, “dressed to the nines” or wearing our comfy but “sloppy” clothes. They don’t expect us to look perfect. They see us and appreciate us for who we are. We should all try to become more like these terrific appearance-blind individuals. They make our world a more just and accepting place.

Changing a negative body image requires that you seriously question Assumption 1 and keep your looks in perspective. Your New Inner Voice will remind you that beauty is a mixed bag that contains many false promises. In the absence of a positive body image and solid self-esteem, good looks aren’t worth much. Relinquishing stereotypes and pursuits of physical perfection will free you to embrace many opportunities for appreciating yourself.

excerpt from The Body Image Workbook: An Eight-Step Program for Learning to Like Your Looks by Thomas F. Cash Ph.D.