Research suggests that one important factor in differentiating parents who become physically abusive from those who don’t is the parents’ belief that their child is misbehaving on purpose; that is, the child knows the right way to behave but is misbehaving to spite the parents or make them angry. It has been my experience that many parents of out-of control children share this belief. At times, they see their child behave appropriately. Consequently, during those times when he misbehaves, they assume that he has purposefully decided to do so. This belief is further strengthened when parents experience their child’s verbal challenges of authority, such as when the child says, “You can’t make me” or “I hate you.” However, this belief is incorrect as well as counterproductive; it only serves to exacerbate the parents’ anger.

Instead, recognize that out-of-control children are usually impulsive and tend to follow the path of least resistance to get what they want. They are likely to repeat what has worked for them in the past to obtain the consequence that they want, even if the manner of doing so was inappropriate. As many noted behaviorists have pointed out over the years, it is the consequence after the behavior that determines whether that behavior will be performed again. If a behavior results in a consequence that your child considers desirable, he is more likely to perform this behavior in the future. If not, the likelihood of performing the same behavior is diminished.

The strength of the association is also important. If your child got what he wanted as a result of the same behavior for a long time, he won’t stop trying just because it failed to work once or twice. When you evaluate why your child is behaving in a specific way, try to think about the consequences of that behavior in the past. Has he gotten what he wanted as a result of this behavior? When you attempted to obtain compliance, did your frustration and anger often cause you to give up? If so, chances are that your child has learned that frustrating you results in the consequence that he wants (e.g., he doesn’t have to do what you said), even though it may have been preceded by a screaming match.

Children will try different tactics to get their own way. For example, think about a child who gets punished by being grounded. The child may at first whine, cry, and argue with the parents. If none of these attempts work, the child will eventually accept the situation, although some children will carry on longer than others. However, if the child, through crying and whining, gets the parents frustrated enough to rescind the grounding (maybe to get some peace of mind and stop the protests), he’ll most likely try this behavior in the future after being grounded again. Many parents in this situation will think that their child got them angry on purpose, just to get his way. This is not true. Instead, he learned how to get what he wanted; getting the parents angry, from the child’s point of view, is just a by-product, rather than the direct goal, of the behavior. He’ll do it again because it worked, not because he really sets out to make the parents angry. From the child’s point of view, the end does justify the means.

Mental Preparation

How, then, do you stay one step ahead of your child? First, if you keep in mind that your child isn’t premeditating to make you mad, and recognize that your job isn’t to get compliance at any price, you’ll be able to stay calm (more on that in the next chapter) and think more clearly. With clarity of thought, more options will become apparent to you.

Since your job is, first and foremost, to administer appropriate consequences (positive and negative), you’ll be able to think of many consequences that you wouldn’t have considered if you became angry. Keep in mind that you can stay in control even if your child doesn’t listen, and you can turn every situation into an opportunity to teach him about his choices and consequences. View each confrontation as a “teachable moment,” not a battle to be won or lost.

As a parent of an out-of-control child, you can probably predict the situations where problems will occur. For example, your child may usually act out when he’s asked to stop an activity that he’s enjoying (e.g., to turn off the TV or stop playing video games), when he’s asked to do something he doesn’t want to do (e.g., clean his room or go do his homework), or during times of transition when he has to stop one activity to start another. This predictability allows you to plan for these trouble spots. Instead of dreading a situation that you know is usually troublesome, prepare yourself simply by allowing yourself a little more time. Be consistent and never threaten anything you aren’t willing to implement. “Scaring” your child into compliance is seldom, if ever, effective.

Instead, prepare yourself with a series of realistic consequences that you can administer if your child doesn’t comply (covered later in the book). Each time you threaten without following through, you actually lose ground. Your child will have learned that you don’t mean what you say and he’ll be less likely to listen to any threat that you state in the future.

excerpt from Parenting Your Out-of-Control Child: An Effective, Easy-to-Use Program for Teaching Self-Control by George M. Kapalka