Mindfulness is great in situations where you don’t want to change anything about what is happening, but it’s still distressing, and you’d like to be able to remain present and able to function in the face of that distress. For example, you may need to interview for a job that you want a lot, and you feel quite intimidated and nervous. You might be called upon to speak publicly about something you are passionate about and really want to do it, but you’re also seized by stage fright. You may have anxiety about flying but really want to visit your grandmother who lives on the opposite side of the country. Or, you might have a baby who is crying due to stomach pain or colic, and while you may not be able to change the situation, you really want to be able to remain present, aware, and nurturing in those moments.

We all have our favorite coping strategies to deal with situations like this—some healthy and some not as healthy. Some of these are calling a friend, taking a walk, taking some time out for ourselves, distracting ourselves, trying to ignore the experience or pushing it down in our consciousness, drinking alcohol, nitpicking at our partner, playing computer solitaire, reading, or working. None of these, in moderation, is a serious problem. It’s fine to distract yourself with a funny movie, go to the gym to work off an angry moment, relax with a game of solitaire, or get involved with a big project.

The problem comes in when you feel incapable of facing your experiences, and feel compelled to engage in behaviors that get you away from them. Or when you feel distressed each time things don’t go the way you’d planned, or an unexpected obstacle presents itself (in other words, attempts to control situations have failed). You can even get in trouble in response to pleasant compelling experiences, like getting positive feedback from others on your work or your appearance, when you grab on tight to them to make them stay or make their presence necessary for your happiness.

More suffering is created when difficulty meeting your experiences as they are leads you to act in ways that are not in alignment with your values and goals. In other words, difficulty facing your present-moment experience can prevent you from acting like the mom you want to be, whether that is something as subtle as breaking contact with your baby because it’s hard to tolerate her crying, or getting tense and irritable, or being so stressed during pregnancy that you are not thriving nutritionally or getting enough rest. It can even extend to more extreme reactions, like using substances or shouting at or being physically rough with your child.

The idea with mindful awareness is not necessarily to calm down, to change your essential emotions or to provide distraction. Mindful awareness is not directed toward changing your experiences (they are always changing by themselves anyway!). But, it may help to suppress or alter behavior or actions that are not in line with the kind of mother you want to be.

The goal of mindful motherhood is not to come up with new and better ways to change your experiences, but instead to cultivate a way of staying present, aware, and connected with your baby while you are having your experiences, no matter what they are. This is the focus of mindful motherhood: being able to have your feelings while still behaving in ways that are congruent with your values and goals—who you are and how you want to be.

from Mindful Motherhood: Practical Tools for Staying Sane During Pregnancy and Your Child’s First Year.