This is an eye-opener that will help you see what can happen when people say it as they see it. It will help you understand the downside of reporting anything you’ve seen or heard or saying whatever is on your mind. In the stories in this chapter, you’ll see that these sorts of comments, no matter how true or how innocently spoken, can affect other people in ways you never intended or dreamed possible. Although the people in these stories were just speaking the truth as they saw it, the outcome of these conversations makes it clear that even in the most casual of conversations, a thoughtful communicator must think before speaking.

curiosity

It was the most trying time for the Morris family. The week before his daughter Judy was to announce her engagement, Joe Morris was diagnosed with lung cancer. With heavy hearts, Joe and his wife, Eileen, decided not to tell Judy about her father’s condition until after the engagement party. Despite this devastating news, they were determined not to cast a shadow over her happiness. At the engagement party, the mood was jubilant. As Judy and her fiancé showed off the diamond ring he had bought her, people said what a cute couple they made. They glowed with happiness, and Eileen and Joe were glowing too. Looking at Joe, no one could tell he’d just received such a grim diagnosis. They were grateful to be pulling it off with no one the wiser. While Eileen and Joe were standing around the dessert table with their children, their neighbor Paul came over to them. “I heard you two were at the oncologist’s office last week,” he said, loud enough for everyone to hear. “Is everything all right?” Eileen was horrified and couldn’t control her face. Judy took one look at her mother’s pained expression and ran from the room. Realizing that he’d said something wrong, Paul tried to recover from his mistake. “I didn’t know it was a secret,” he defended himself. “I’m sorry if I upset anyone. I was just curious.” Paul’s curiosity drove him to ask an inappropriate question at the worst possible time for the Morris family. Before blurting what was on his mind, Paul should have used the Q-pts.

q-pts

Who am I speaking to? I’m speaking to my neighbors, who are in the midst of celebrating a happy occasion with their family.

What am I not seeing? I’m quite certain that either Eileen or Joe is very sick. But if the word isn’t out, maybe they have a reason for wanting to keep it quiet.

Where will my words lead me? Though I want to know what’s going on in their lives, by openly asking them at their party, I might be putting them in an awkward spot in front of everybody. I’ll just come across as a prying neighbor—and the person who ruined the party.

How will they react to my words? Joe and Eileen both seem to be in a cheerful mood. Even if I were to ask when I just meet them casually on the street, my question would be likely to bring them down. On this special occasion, my question will put a damper on things for sure.

Why must I say it at all? Aside from my own morbid curiosity, there’s no reason for me to ask Joe and Eileen about their health.

When do I say it? Since I’m just asking out of curiosity, I can hold my question. The news will eventually come out.

how to say it (to yourself)

“This is not my business.” Thoughts such as these help you rein in your curiosity and hold your tongue. “This may be something they want to keep to themselves.” Try to empathize with others and understand that they may have reasons for not sharing certain information. Reminding yourself of this can save both them and you from embarrassment.

what not to say

“I heard you were at.… Is everything okay?” Be careful not to ask personal questions out of idle curiosity. What you consider an innocent question might be a very sensitive subject to someone else. “I was just curious.” Your desire to know is not a reasonable excuse to ask whatever’s on your mind. Consider: Curiosity is just another word for nosiness.

working on the “what”

You can give your honest opinion and share information with others. But as a thoughtful communicator, you want your opinion to be valuable and not hurtful. Before you speak what’s on your mind, be sure that the information you want to relate won’t be detrimental to anyone. The question “What am I not seeing?” opens your mind to consider aspects of a person and her situation that you probably hadn’t taken into account. It gives you a chance to try to understand where she’s coming from before you make any comments to her—or to anyone about her. Once you have this bigger picture, then it’s more likely that your comments and inquiries will make you and those around you feel good. Imagine you’re faced with the following scenarios, then write down your initial reaction to each. Next, consider the question “What am I not seeing?” Try to come up with possible reasons for the person’s behavior that will help you see them in a more positive light. Don’t always assume the worst, and don’t assume their behavior is about you. Here’s an example: Your friend canceled your date to go to the mall claiming an excruciating headache, but later you find out she went with someone else. Initial reaction: She really didn’t want to go with me. What am I not seeing? When she felt better, she tried calling me, but I wasn’t home. Now give it a try yourself: You’ve left countless messages on your friend’s answering machine, but she hasn’t called you back. What is your initial reaction? What might you not be seeing? You neighbor is putting an expensive addition onto his house even though he’s always complaining about financial woes. What is your initial reaction? What might you not be seeing? Everyone you know was invited to a friend’s wedding, but you didn’t receive an invitation. What is your initial reaction? What might you not be seeing? When you were in the hospital, someone you thought of as a good friend didn’t call. What is your initial reaction? What might you not be seeing? Now come up with a scenario of your own, preferably taken from your own life, and analyze it in the same way. What was your initial reaction? What might you not be seeing?

excerpt from But I Didn't Mean That!: How to Avoid Misunderstandings and Hurt Feelings in Everyday Life by June Paris, Rachel Small, Richard Heyman Ed.D.