Whole messages include four kinds of expression: what you see, think, feel, and need. Intimate relationships thrive on whole messages. Your closest friends, your mate, and your family can’t know the real you unless you share all of your experiences. That means not leaving things out, not covering up your anger, not squelching your wants. It means giving accurate feedback about what you observe, clearly stating your inferences and conclusions, saying how it all makes you feel, and, if you need something or see possibilities for change, making straightforward requests or suggestions.

When you leave something out, it’s called a partial message. Partial messages create confusion and distrust. People sense something is missing, but they don’t know what. They’re turned off when they hear judgments untempered by your feelings and hopes. They resist hearing anger that doesn’t include the story of your frustration or hurt. They are suspicious of conclusions without supporting observations. They are uncomfortable with demands growing from unexpressed feelings and assumptions.

Not every relationship or situation requires whole messages. Effective communication with your garage mechanic probably won’t involve a lot of deep feeling or discussion of your emotional needs. Even with intimates, the majority of messages are just informational. But partial messages, with something important left out or obscured, are always dangerous. They become relational booby traps when used to express the complex issues that are an inevitable part of closeness.

You can test whether you are giving whole or partial messages by asking yourself the following questions:

• “Have I expressed what I actually know to be fact? Is it based on what I’ve observed, read, or heard?”
• “Have I expressed and clearly labeled my inferences and conclusions?”
• “Have I expressed my feelings without blame or judgment?”
• “Have I shared my needs without blame or judgment?”

excerpt from Messages: The Communication Skills Book by Matthew McKay Ph.D., Martha Davis Ph.D., and Patrick Fanning