When informed of a loved one’s serious illness, you may wish to find out more information from the doctor. Unfortunately, doctors don’t always communicate with patients and families as effectively as possible (and vice versa). This can occur for lots of reasons. Sometimes the fault lies with doctors: They may use overly technical jargon or fail to spend sufficient time answering questions. On the other hand, sometimes patients and family members can’t think of the right questions to ask, or they may feel so intimidated by the whole process that they remain quiet. If you’ve experienced any of these situations, you know how frustrating they can be. Nonetheless, it’s usually worth making another effort to communicate effectively with your loved one’s physician. In the next chapter, we’ll offer detailed advice about how to maximize your time with the doctor. For now, we’d like to offer some pointers to help you through the first few conversations:

• Be on time. If the appointment feels rushed, consider politely asking for more time or a second appointment.
• Be assertive, rather than angry or threatening. Remember that physicians are people too, fraught with the same insecurities and emotions as everyone else. Though it’s trite, it’s also true: You can usually catch more bees with honey than with vinegar.
• Ask the physician to summarize the medical situation prior to beginning a dialogue. This will help clarify any misunderstandings or disagreements before decision making begins.
• If you don’t understand the terms a physician uses, politely request clarification. Ask for information in layman’s terms rather than medical jargon.
• If you feel you aren’t getting a straightforward answer, this may be more a reflection of the doctor’s own uncertainty rather than any disregard for you. To put the doctor at ease, use statements like “It’s okay if you’re not sure” or “I’m sure it’s hard to say, but . . .” Then continue to ask for as precise an answer as possible.
• Finally, feel free to sleep on it. Although some medical decisions must be made right away, most can be held off for a few days while you take time to process your feelings. Waiting may enable you to ask better questions, carefully consider the important information you receive, and ultimately make better decisions.

You and your loved one deserve meaningful, effective communication with physicians. Your questions should be answered thoroughly and compassionately, and your hopes, fears and anxieties should be addressed. Although it’s important to respect the doctor’s perspective, meaningful dialogue is a right, not a gift. If you’re not getting answers to your questions, consider politely making this clear.

excerpt from The End-of-Life Handbook: A Compassionate Guide to Connecting with and Caring for a Dying Loved One by David B. Feldman and S. Andrew Jr. Lasher MD