First, I want you to know that being mindful is not yet another goal you must achieve to be a good mom. It’s not about becoming a perfect Zen mama who stays calm, cool, and collected in the face of anything that comes; uses only organic baby foods, clothing, and linens; stays on a career path while also being available to her family; and stays fit and trim all the while. The last thing I want to do with this book is put another giant task on your list of “things I must do to be a good mom.” Mindful motherhood is not about becoming someone other than who you already are.

Mindful motherhood, simply put, is being present, in your body, and con¬nected with your baby no matter what is happening. It’s being aware of your experi¬ence from moment to moment, as it is happening, without pushing it away, trying to make it stay, or judging it as bad or good. It is meeting each situation as it is, and over time, more and more often, approaching whatever is happening with curiosity and compassion.

Mindful motherhood is a way of approaching all of the experiences you’ll encounter as a mom with open eyes and an open heart. Whether those experiences are internal, like thoughts, feelings, or body sensations; or external, like relation¬ships, workplace situations, or the situations in your environment, mindful moth¬erhood is a way of simply being with whatever is happening, no matter what it is. While it may be simple, for most of us, it’s not easy.

Take this example. It’s 3 a.m. and the baby is crying—screaming, actually. This is the fourth night you’ve been up with the baby more than three times in the middle of the night, and you haven’t had more than two hours of continuous sleep in a few days. Naturally, you are getting a bit raw, overwhelmed, and angry.

Your train of thought might be something along these lines: “Why can’t I get this baby to sleep? All the babies in my mothers’ group are sleeping through the night. What is wrong with me?” Or, “What’s wrong with my baby? Maybe she has colic. Oh crap, that means it’s going to be like this every night for six months—I won’t be able to take it! Should I give her a bottle? The book says no bottle at night because that will just keep her waking up forever…And why isn’t John coming in here to help? I can’t believe he has the nerve to stay in bed and pretend he didn’t hear this. Jeez, why is it so cold in here? Our heater never works right. For God’s sake, please stop screaming…” Your body gets tense, tears come to your eyes, you clench your jaw, you bounce the baby up and down, you turn your head away and pat her on the back.

What is really happening here? What is upsetting you? The many nights of being awakened, the fear of having done something wrong or the baby being ill, the broken heater that won’t ever get fixed, the momentarily unhelpful partner, and the prospect of many more nights like this? This is all pretty understandably distressing.

But ask yourself again, what is really happening here? From the perspective of mindfulness, what is happening in the present moment without all the additional stories about it, is (1) you are tired, (2) the baby is crying, and (3) the air is cold. In this moment you are aware that you are tired, the baby is crying, and the air is cold. These facts are not necessarily good or bad—they just are. When viewed this way, the moment becomes more manageable.

You’ve got a loud train of thought going, but for a moment, if you bring your attention to your breathing, to your body, and to the present moment, the likeli¬hood is that first you will relax your body. You might find a blanket or turn on a space heater. You might notice that you are tired. What does that feel like? Muscles weak, eyes droopy, heart a little tense. You might begin to cradle your tiredness, to sway from side to side, and allow your eyes to close.

And the crying—well, yes, it has been engineered to get your attention so it’s not necessarily pleasant. But really, it’s a loud sound that your baby is using to com¬municate some body sensation or feeling. Here you are with this loud sound. Be interested. What does it really sound like? Maybe, it’s high or screechy. It sounds like a hawk’s cry when it’s circling overhead. Perhaps it reminds you of a blender or even of nails on a chalkboard. Meet it and relax into it. Move yourself right into the middle of it. Walk around it and find out what else is in your experience. What’s in the room? Look through the window—the stars are out. There are crickets chirp¬ing. You are safe at home with your baby, despite being tired, chilly, and having some crying for a while.

When approached mindfully, even distressing experiences can be met with some degree of acceptance. And when you take an accepting stance toward the experience, your whole state of being often changes. Even when your state remains agitated and upset, this too can be met with mindful awareness and with fewer of the judging thoughts and anxiety-provoking stories that so often ratchet up the dis¬comfort. By approaching the situation and your feelings about it with a willingness to have them be what they are, rather than resisting them or struggling to change them, you can reduce a lot of unnecessary suffering.

excerpt from Mindful Motherhood: Practical Tools for Staying Sane During Pregnancy and Your Child’s First Year by Cassandra Vieten, Ph.D.