Why should you consider ED as a couple problem? Is this just a trendy concept to hide the truth that you are the man and it is your job to get an erection, have vigorous intercourse, and make sure you last long enough for your partner to have an orgasm during intercourse? Traditional men hold strongly to the myth that a real man can have sex with any woman, any time, any place and that a real man does not need anything from a woman. The new medical variation of this myth is that taking a pill will return you to total sexual performance and self-confidence, again needing nothing from your partner. Old myths about male sexuality give way to new myths. What both types of myths have in common is they burden the man and his penis with a sense of isolation and performance pressure. These myths subvert couple intimacy and negate realistic expectations.

The purpose of this is to help you understand and accept your sexual body, how erections “work,” and the normal changes in male and female sexual response and sexual function at different stages of life. We will also discuss the impact of physiological conditions such as diabetes, multiple sclerosis, and cancer, as well as sex after age sixty. We encourage you to share information, transitions, concerns, and coping strategies with your partner. Having accurate information is an essential part of challenging sexual myths.

It is easier and healthier to deal with physical and psychological changes together rather than in isolation. This is particularly true of ED, which affects you, your partner, and your relationship. To pretend otherwise is to violate a major tenet of mental health: Do not fool yourself. ED is truly your common foe. The likelihood of overcoming ED increases significantly if you work as a team.

The second focus is to develop positive, realistic expectations about erections and sex. It is not enough to label perfectionistic performance standards as unrealistic and self-defeating. The best way to change something is to replace it with new, healthy information and expectations.

Excerpt from Coping with Erectile Dysfunction by Michael E. Metz Ph.D., and Barry W. McCarthy Ph.D.