Self-absorbed parents are more focused on their wants, needs, and desires than on those of their developing children. Their children are expected to take care of the parent’s emotional, and sometimes physical, well-being and are only approved of when the child is able to intuit and meet the parent’s needs. This self-absorbed parent and the negative impact on the developing child are described in the first and second editions of Children of the Self-absorbed.

Self-absorbed parents can intentionally, but mostly unintentionally, inflict wounds on their children. They do not see how what they do or say is wounding, and can become very upset and angry at such a charge. Nothing you do or say produces any empathy, understanding of your perspective, or acknowledgment of the wounding experience.

This pattern of wounding was set in childhood which has now carried over into your adulthood, and continues to exert it negative impact on you. Thus, even though you are an adult, you can still find yourself hurt, angry, frustrated and the like by something your parent said or did. You can even realize that you are reacting now just as you did when you were a child, but feel helpless and powerless to stop reacting as you do. It’s all very frustrating and unsettling. I’ll provide examples of this wounding, and give a couple of suggestions for coping.

Examples of wounding experiences from the self-absorbed parent include the following.

• Ignoring and invalidating your feelings
• Minimizing your accomplishments
• Finding that you are never able to please him/her
• Minimizing your accomplishments
• Unfair comparisons with others, such as siblings
• Blame for errors and the like
• Put-downs and name calling
• Implying that you are inadequate or inferior
• Criticism for not doing more, achieving higher, and so on that carries the message that you disappoint them

You can help prevent becoming wounded by refusing to acknowledge or agree with any part of the act or comment that diminishes you, and focus on thinking about your positive attributes and accomplishments. Another strategy is to minimize contact with the parent, and/or to have activities and other people around when you do have to interact with them. The final suggestion is to create your emotional insulation, as described in both Children of the Self-absorbed books, where you can hear the words, but the negative connotations for them do not get through to you.

Guest blogger Nina W. Brown, Ed.D., LPC, is the author of Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents .