Commitment is promising to share your life with one anther and to remain faithful. Although this can be a bit frightening, you have to admit it is also quite exciting. If your partner possesses attributes that you consider important and you both share a similar value system, why not? You are most likely partnered with your best friend. What can be nicer than sharing your life with your best friend?

A commitment does not necessarily mean a legal agreement either. There are thousands of couples who love one another and are committed without a legal document.

Commitment is also about putting your relationship first—not just in theory, but also in practice. This is where the work comes in, but that work will be fun once you get the hang of it. Some of you began a family, and your children became first priority. You began to deal with financial stresses, parental stresses, and pressures from your job. You were working wildly at the office putting in too many hours a week in an effort to save for your first home. Some of these everyday stresses began to take their toll on the relationship. You no longer felt like you were number one. You began to have small arguments that you did not have time to resolve. These unresolved arguments let to bigger ones. Finally, you felt so overwhelmed, disappointed, and angry, that you no longer even tried to resolve these issues. Needles to say, this negativity will certainly get in the way of sexual desire.

If you are married with children, what I’m going to say next will probably surprise you, but try to keep an open mind. Your relationship must take precedence over your children. This is not about being selfish; it is about keeping the best interests of your relationship and your children in mind. Consider this; if you put your children first rather than your relationship, your relationship will suffer. And if it suffers enough, you will wind up in divorce court. If you are divorced, the children will suffer this loss. Of course, I’m not suggesting that you ignore your kids. After all, you both made this decision to have children, and it is your responsibility to take good care of them. Besides, spending time with your children is deeply satisfying. All children need to be involved in family activities; it creates a sense of safety and security in childhood that leads to wonderful memories for them to treasure as adults. You both, however, need couple time without the kids at least once a week.

Okay, it’s time for another exercise:

A Walk Down Memory Lane

Face your partner and discuss exactly what commitment means to you. When did you make this decision to commit for a lifetime? Can you remember what you were thinking and feeling? For example, I made the commitment to spend the rest of my life with my partner when I watched him interact with my two very precious children. I knew if I could entrust my kids to have a relationship with him, he was definitely someone I wanted to share my life with. They also cared about him, and you know how perceptive children are. My partner told me he was also ready for a total commitment when he left us in Chicago to take a position at Johns Hopkins and could hardly stand the stress of a long-distance relationship. For me, total commitment meant having that marriage license. Hence, we got married. We continue to commit to each other on a monthly basis. For the past twenty-three years, we have had a monthly celebration on the date we met. This monthly recommitment is a nice way of validating our relationship.

Now it’s your turn. Take that walk down memory lane. This exercise should take anywhere between thirty minutes and an hour.

Did you enjoy the walk? It’s great to reactivate those old memories.

Let’s move on. Now you know the true meaning of enduring love. But you should also be aware of the fact that you can both share important attributes, a similar value system, and be completely committed to your relationship and yet still fall prey to a sexual desire disorder. I will continue to mention that individual power and power reciprocity are the aphrodisiacs used to increase sexual desire. Exercising this power often can prevent a sexual desire disorder from occurring in the future.

Excerpt from In the Mood, Again: A Couple’s Guide to Reawakening Sexual Desire by Kathleen A. Cervenka, Ph.D.